Fear

“The worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves. we live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we are afraid. We fear we will not find love, and when we find it we fear we will lose it. We fear that if we do not have love we will be unhappy.” - Richard Bach, One.

I could write a blog post every day about fear.

In spite of our tough talk, we base our words and actions on fear. Instead of being honest, we say "No problem, I'm fine with that." Even when we don't want it to happen, we accept that temporary pain rather than our perceived future pain. Instead of doing something we want, we do without. Temporary regret over permanent damage. I think this says more about our opinions of others than about ourselves.

Do you really think that a wife telling her husband she really wants him to stay home instead of going hunting with the guys would ruin their relationship long term? So she puts it aside, knowing how much fun he'll have. Never mind he didn't remember that it's her sister's birthday and they are included in a surprise party. That was planned months ago, before the impromptu guys weekend. They can go out to dinner with them later, family always understands. 

Honestly, what woman would be upset if her guy asked her to go to his college alma mater homecoming game, ten years running? So instead, he begs off. They can get together in the spring, maybe go to the lake. Even if she doesn't like football, meeting his longtime friends and being happy at their happiness should be an easy answer for her. His crew won't mind, they've been friends too long to let something like a missed game matter.

The only person we hurt with our fear is ourselves. Remember the Litany Against Fear? 

"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

Frank Herbert was one smart guy.

Don't let your fear stand in your way.

Losing

“That’s what learning is, after all; not whether we lose the game, but how we lose and how we’ve changed because of it, and what we take away from it that we never had before, to apply to other games. Losing, in a curious way is winning.”  ― Richard Bach, The Bridge Across Forever: A True Love Story

Losing. A much bigger part of life than we'd like. If you only see it as losing, and not the gifts you have from it, you probably are more than tired of it.

If I had to pick something I think has taught me more than anything else in life, it would be losing. Not being pessimistic about my life, I have learned far more from the bad than the good.

Family. My parents split when I was 17, after... 17 years of crap. Maybe they loved each other in the beginning, but I don't remember any of that. We had good times, but it was almost exclusively me and my dad. I think my egg donor was probably bipolar: mostly because I don't want to think I am descended from someone that was truly evil. My dad and I did most everything together, until he saw I was old enough to fight back for myself. Then he was outta there. What did losing that teach me? Never give up. There's always a way out.

Love. I've had a few great loves in my lifetime. Young love, what I thought was forever love, and let's try this one more time love. Two of those ended tragically, so there's a lesson there: don't count on forever, live each day. There's even one in the wings that never took flight, one that is and may always be waiting on that second chance. Lesson? Again, never give up. Anything is possible. There might be a way back.

Yes, I see the theme here as well. Giving up is never a good idea. NO QUITTING. Also, NO WHINING. If anyone ever told you life was fair, go find them now and slap them. It was a lie. Life isn't even about fairness. We get what we work for, we lose what we love, and if we're lucky, so damn lucky, we get another chance.

This Thanksgiving season, think about your gains. That came from your losses. Be grateful for both.