Diamonds

Day 72. Diamonds.

Rough couple days writing. Hard to look back at life and see the roads not taken, opportunities missed, things that might've been. None of us wants to feel like a failure, or a scaredy cat. Nor do we ever want the people we love to think we'd rather have had a life without them, something different that didn't include them. Our choices may seem selfish, to want more, and our attempts to understand why we settle for less is frustrating.

You don’t want a million answers as much as you want a few forever questions. The questions are diamonds you hold in the light. Study a lifetime and you see different colors from the same jewel. The same questions, asked again, bring you just the answers you need just the minute you need them.
Richard Bach, Running from Safety

There are always questions. Some are less important than others, like "What are we doing for dinner?" and "Does this dress make my butt look big?" We give casual answers to them, knowing the repercussions are small no matter our response. The "big" questions, answers to which are deal breakers, those are the ones that sometimes creep up on us in the dark. They are often ones that we're not sure what answer we're looking for, but when we get one we know if it's "right." Well, at least we know when it's "wrong."

A few important ones for me would be about loyalty. I admire loyalty, but not to a fault. It takes more strength to know when to walk away and protect ourselves than it does to remain and be miserable. There are sacrifices made to prove our loyalty, but they aren't badges of honor. You won't get a medal for "sticking it out", there are no prizes for being "the dependable one", and in 20 years no one will care or remember what you did.

One of the questions: "What would it take for you to walk away from our relationship and never look back?" My chances of keeping someone close are good, but the chances of pushing them away are greater. I'd like to know as much as I can about what that would take, since it's not about the love you give but the love you take for granted. Never letting someone think they are disposable is one of the most important things for me.

Another question: "If you could take back anything you've ever said or done, what would it be and why would you take it back? You meant it or you didn't say it, right?" Since we can never truly take anything back that we say or do, we have to be sure we can live with the pain those things may cause. Not that what we say or do causes pain (remember, someone has to let you hurt them,) but their perception that we have violated their trust, abandoned our loyalty to them is a key to happiness. We can't take things back, and until we know that, we can't expect others to be loyal to us.

Lesson Seventy Two: Do the answers to your important questions change how you feel about someone? Can you see the answers change over the course of time, sometimes space? Think about how if you had answered questions differently, taken another road, and realize that by remaining true to yourself, you line your path with diamonds of your own creation.

658 to go.