Expectations

Day 53. Expectations.

One of the biggest favors we can do for others is to let them know our expectations. Sometimes in the attempt to do that, we realize just how unrealistic they might be, and make the decision to adjust them. If we can't live up to them ourselves, how can we expect other to do so?

Growing up, I knew the expectations. I thought I was meeting them. Good grades, stayed out of trouble, did my chores. It didn't spare me anything, I was on the losing end before I started. I didn't know that until I was maybe fifteen or so, and I learned I had to work around what was expected or fight back. I did a little of both. I survived. And learned.

My first adult relationship was as I ended high school. I'd dated the same guy for 4 years, and when we broke up, I figured since I was 18 I was a grownup and needed a grownup relationship. That didn't exactly mean what I thought it did. I'll admit we tried our best, but we were both way too young. And foolish. I think we expected it to be easier, that we wouldn't have to work so hard at it. It ended up that neither of us knew what we wanted, including each other. When we finally thought we'd figured it out, life came rushing in and wiped out that dream.

I plodded along a few years without really knowing what I was doing. No expectations there, I was just living day to day. Trying to keep a roof over our heads and have something to show for working like a dog every day. The kids knew what I expected of them: help around the house, good grades, don't be a jerk. I think they learned from it. I know I did, I learned you set your initial expectations low and work your way up. That way you see little goals being reached more often.

Marriage. Man, what that does to squash expectations. You go into it full of hopes and dreams, and BAM. Reality hits you. You still have to work hard, you still don't have someone who understands you as much as you thought they would, and exactly whose job is it to take out the trash? It gets muddled. You both get busy, nobody talks to each other, everything you do seems to be taken for granted and you get bitter. But did you ever speak up about what you expected? You think so. But the times you thought you were shouting loud enough to be heard in the next county, your partner wasn't listening. So again, failed dreams. Unmet expectations.

Then there's your job. If only you knew what was expected of you, right? It's not usually just what's listed on the job description. There's a lot of little things you have to do every day to get to that finish line. If you're lucky, and I have been twice now, your boss is pretty clear and you have the goal in sight. If not, good luck with that. Hopefully you can set your own standards and do the stuff that gets noticed. Otherwise you'll be looking to replace that with something that has achievable goals, with clear assignments and rules.

Friendships are full of expectations. Not unlike relationships, you expect certain things to come with friendships. Unspoken things, but everyone knows what friendship need, right? Being there when needed, not just the bad times but the good. Having a spot at the dinner table with your name on it, even though you never use it, it's there. Even on short notice, being ready for the road trip to Funland. Knowing you can call anytime, from anywhere, and the friend is there. Discussing these expectations is probably never going to happen, since friends know what friends mean. So don't go getting disappointed when you feel failed. It's your own fault. Again.

Lesson Fifty Three: Do you get disappointed easily, only to realize you didn't express what you wanted the outcome to be? Have you told someone what you wanted in advance, and was that a better result? Think about the opportunities you have to set those goals and expectations, and be sure you are being realistic when you do. Take the chance to reassure others of what you need from them, and watch for it to happen.

677 to go...