Innocence

Day 52. Innocence.

We all come into this world as innocents, but too quickly the lessons of life strip that from us. A bad childhood, and we become scarred for life: protecting our hearts and bodies from harm. Events while we're teenagers: we become weary of broken friendships and little white lies. As we enter adulthood, we are rightly skeptical of letting others too close, and rarely trust things we haven't seen with our own eyes. If we're lucky, our innocence lasts a quarter century, before we're barely able to see the good around us.

I admit my childhood played a big role in how I treat people, and how I interpret the way they treat me. I have always been determined to never make anyone feel the way I felt as a child. Hoping no one has to ever be afraid or intimidated by someone they love. Never wanting another person to pull away from a hug in fear they'll get slapped, or worse. I've tried to swing the pendulum the other direction: to make others feel loved from the moment we meet, to make them comfortable and safe. I feel I've done that part pretty well. I hope if I didn't, someone calls me on it. The other part of childhood innocence, feeling safe and comfortable with others? Maybe not so much.

I'm actually probably one of the most insecure people you know. Shocking, right? I question everything I say, everything I do. I try and gauge the reaction I will get, and that determines if I change my words or actions. I can't risk that alienation, not knowing how deep the hurt may be. I don't get that part right all the time. I don't just use a lot of words online, I talk with a lot of words. In hopes of explaining myself better. I might be willing to run the risk of getting my heart broken, my life torn apart, but it's not without some loss on my part. Internally contained, the fear of being abandoned by those I love is very real. I do my very best every single day not to alienate them. I play the role of a hardass on the internet to cover up my vulnerabilities. So you see how hard it is for me to write about being ALL IN, when inside I'm that scared little eight year old girl who only wanted a hug and got the back of a hand to the face? Yep, innocence lost.

I've been on this planet a little over half a century. I hope I've learned that talking about things helps get you through the bad days and into the good ones. I hope that each of us has learned to trust a little more, to love a little better, to breathe a little easier. I pray that we have all found a bit of that innocence we lost on our way to where we are now, and that we never ever take it for granted.

Lesson Fifty Eight: Have you found yourself hardened by the scars you have? Do you wish you could have a chance to do things over with someone, and change their life? Think about the look you see in the eyes of a child on Christmas morning, and try to recapture a bit of your own innocence.

678 to go...