ALL IN

If you're reading this blog, most likely you have encountered me somewhere on the interwebs before, (or God forbid, you know me in person and have been subjected to the insanity that is my life).  You may also have concluded that I am INTENSE. I don't normally apologize for it. Hell, I don't normally apologize for much of anything. 

I really really try hard to make sure I don't say (or write) anything that I would want to take back. I don't think you can ever really "take something back". I believe that forgiveness is divine, and meant for a higher power than anyone here on Earth. (*see note below)  No matter how much someone apologizes, begs forgiveness, atones for their misdeeds, I don't think it's my decision to grant them absolution. I can't say I won't ever think about what the wrong was, nor can I say I won't hold back just a bit to make sure I don't get burned again. Coz let's face it, we aren't all just bursting at the seams to open ourselves up to pain. All I can do is my very best to trust again. I'm a big believer in trust. I had to learn to trust myself first. That was.... difficult.

You have to be willing to run the risk of losing EVERYTHING, or you gain NOTHING. You have to be able to put aside all your doubts and fears, and jump headfirst into the mud puddle. Hoping it's deep enough. Not caring if you get mud in your hair. Forget about saving a bit of yourself from harm, protecting your heart from further damage (yes, all our hearts are damaged. more on that another time.) Don't think about not getting full credit for a job well done, give it your all. 

You cannot love someone fully unless you are willing to give yourself fully to them. You cannot succeed at a career if you aren't giving 100% (I hate that happy dappy 110% crap). You can only achieve the things you want and deserve in life if you don't work for them. Which brings us to my "saying": ALL IN.

I make a concerted effort to be ALL IN. Do I have my slack times? Probably more than I would admit. But I never lose sight of the goal. ALL IN. Do I make mistakes along the way? Good God, yes. And repeat them sometimes, to my own displeasure. 

Back to INTENSE... Yes I am, and proud of it. You wouldn't expect anything less of me, and I don't expect anything less of you. Give me your best, and you'll see mine. Give me any less, and well, you probably won't see me. We can all tell when someone isn't giving us their best. We just deny its happening. We don't want to see the failure in them, because that means a failure in ourselves, right? We think that means we need to work hard, love harder, play harder, it MUST be our fault things aren't PERFECT. NEWS FLASH: NOTHING IS PERFECT. We are, above all else, human. We are born imperfect. We die imperfect. What we do in between those times is what defines us. What do we do with that time? We go ALL IN. Knowing we are mortal, knowing we will depart this life with the promise of the next, knowing that we cannot take anything with us in the but the knowledge that we did our best. ALL IN.

I recommended a book last year to many of you, and gave a copy to a friend to pass around. Hopefully its made its way to someone who needed it. One of the many lessons in the Messiah's Handbook: Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours. Yep. Give in to the thought that you can't do something, it's too hard (WAHHHHH!!!!) and next thing you know, it's all over but the crying. Do you really think you'll get anywhere when you give in to failure at the get go? 

Your best. That's all I ever ask of any of you. In return, you have my best. Sloppy and sticky as it may be, with cat fur and dog kibble crumbs attached, with a dose of humor that makes it easier to survive, you'll have it. 

Because you're worth it. 

And so am I.




NOTE: Most people are surprised to find me as a religious person. I have enormous faith, else I would not be the little bit of sane that I am today. You think I'm a few bags of cement short of a patio now, imagine me without faith.