Day 10

Day 10...

Woohoo, double digits! Thanks for sticking with me on the journey.

Moving on to the third part of the quote from Illusions: Where are you going? 

I thought I had that one answered more than once. I thought my die cast, my role set. Fate intervened, so here I am at 52, starting a whole new phase of life. I'm sure everyone has felt secure in their present, having survived their past, but you also have to be looking out the windshield and avoid those glances in the rearview mirror. We are who we are today because of things that shaped us, usually in spite of them and not because we gave in to them.

I was content in my other roles. I guess. The kids grown, I wasn't as involved in their lives as before, but Kathie not being a part of it now means I'm going another direction. Mike's too much like me and doesn't need "mothered", so I have to resist the urge to harass him. In particular on the grandparent front. Someday, I reckon. Or not. No pressure, kiddo. LOL. No, really. I'll live through the stories my friends tell me about theirs.

My role as a spouse is now past. After almost 22 years, I find it easier to adjust to that than I expected. I have accepted that I couldn't have done anything else to show my love, and if he didn't know I loved him then that was his weakness, not mine. I was ALL IN til the end. Now I try and figure out how to cook for one, where the damn leak under the sink is coming from, and why can't the stupid UPS guy deliver things right so I don't have to carry heavy stuff very far. All good, life doesn't deal you cards you can't play. Doesn't mean I can't look forward to maybe someday sharing things with someone new, if that's how the hand plays out. I don't know where tomorrow leads me, but I know I am driving instead of riding shotgun from now on.

I think for now, I'm going.... to be me. A bit of new me, some of the old will always remain, but going for a change in look more than attitude. Changing my hair, trying different clothing styles outside my comfort zone, trying to get in shape by actually working at it. I was treading water a long time, living to make other people happy at my own peril sometimes. I'm a giver, a lover, a friend, and I need to take time to think about me as well. You can still have the shirt off my back, but I need to run to Walmart and buy another one. Or eBay. :)

I'm also going to do more things I put on the back burner. We all do things for the ones we love, things we think they want us to do. And you know what? TRUE STORY: DRINK! Sometimes the only thing they want is US. The nice house, the new car, the money in the bank?  They don't want any of that. All they want is for us to be beside them when they go to sleep, and still there beside them when they wake up. Day to day stuff, like fixing breakfast together, cuddling on the couch during a movie neither of you is really watching.A life shared is a life well lived. All the money in the world won't take the place of TIME.

Writing more is just one of the things I put aside to be a spouse. Learning the guitar FOR REAL THIS TIME. Doing more artsy stuff, I have the supplies and never made the time for painting and needlework I love. Traveling to see friends and family out of state: I seriously need to see my Pop and sister, and my friends and family in PA. Plus all the Facebook people I love so much, I have lots of beers to buy for the Moron Horde. In due time, I'll get to all these things and more.

Not really a bucket list but I've had a mantra of "stuff" I want to accomplish. Had plans to do it with someone I was going to grow old with, and still have the same plans. Not afraid to try them alone, but hopeful I'll still find someone to hold hands with as we watch the sun glisten off the Taj Mahal. See giraffes run free in Africa. Stand in the shadow of the Great Pyramid. Walk on the Great Wall of China. Drink real Russian vodka in a little restaurant opposite St. Basil's Cathedral. Kiss the Blarney Stone. Get our picture made with mo'ai on Easter Island. Feel the water spray from Victoria Falls.

We as humans have what seems as never enough time to do the things we want, be with the ones we love, doing the things we enjoy. You can't replace an hour of love with a gift card. You can never get back that baseball game of your grandson's that you missed, or your grandaughter's first dance recital. The moment your son marries his soulmate? You won't get that back as you sit behind your desk, pulling some overtime so you can pay down the bills quicker. Spend the time with someone you love, doing something that you love. The return on that investment is immeasurable.

Lesson 10: Do you know where you're going? Have you thought about if your life now became impossible where you'd go, what you'd do? Are there things you want to see and do that are just dreams? Do you have a plan to make them a reality? Have you put your own feelings aside, thinking you were helping by working harder and playing less, when you were really just losing time with those you love? Can you trust that you're making the right moves now for the future, or just doing what you've been taught needs done? Let your hair down. Or color it. Live a little. Nah, live a lot. Love a lot.

720 to go...