It's Only Words....

And words are all I have. To take your heart away.

Hellish thing to have to quote the Bee Gees. But here we go....

I'm a word person. I love to talk. I love to write. I love communicating with people. But sometimes, I fail at it. I think I've done that recently. And I have to clarify what I meant. And I have to apologize. I can't ask for forgiveness because I don't think we can ever truly grant that as humans, but I do hope to retain the trust I had earned. I hope I didn't break it..

You see, I sort of made a mistake with my words. I had neither time nor opportunity to fully explain myself. I just whipped out what I was feeling, and the words failed me. I've spent hours now thinking about and trying to explain myself better. I failed. I should have known I was capable of not explaining myself completely: in spite of all the words I use, it's happened before.

When my daughter Kathie was a teenager, she would ask me a zillion questions it seemed. Crazy stuff: "Momma, do you like this new Metallica song?". "Momma, can I go over to Sheena's this weekend?" "Momma, can we make some brownies?" Typical teenage questions, and as a busy, working mom I failed to answer them properly. I make no excuses now, I failed to take the time, more than once, to give a good answer. I committed a sin of omitting how I really felt. My answer most of the time? "I don't care." Short and sweet, and the truth. Then she called me out on it.

She told me once, maybe six months before her death at the too young age of 18, that she thought I didn't care about her. JAW DROP. "How in the world can you say that?" I asked her. "You know how much I love you." Her answer floored me. "Well, Momma, you were always telling me you didn't care about things I asked about. They were important things to me, so I thought you didn't care about me." Yeah. Mind blowing. She put me in my place BIG TIME. She didn't question my love for her, she thought I didn't care. Because I treated the things that were important to her so casually, she thought I didn't care about her. Two very different things, but both important.

I didn't learn my lesson, apparently. Open big mouth, insert big foot. AGAIN.

Conversations happen. Things are said, good times had by all. More conversations happen, even more fun. Chemistry, one might call it. THEN I GO AND OPEN MY STUPID MOUTH. I said I don't kid around about such matters, I am SERIOUS. What the hell I was thinking I could get away with (or not thinking) by not fully quantifying that, I do not know. That's a (pardon the pun) SERIOUS word to be tossing around. Talk about changing the tone from then on. YIKES.

I've spent hours this weekend trying to elaborate, to clarify, to explain, to bring that fragile beginning back from the ledge it's perched on, ready to leap and take all the air from my lungs that have now finally gotten a breath of something pure and beautiful and full of freedom that I don't want to let go of right now or maybe never.

Then it hit me this morning. I fucked up. I didn't learn from you, Kathie. You told me what I did wrong almost 13 years ago, and I did it again. I failed. I failed myself, but more importantly, I failed someone else. Someone that in a short period of time I had developed a trust with, a mutual sharing of crazy thoughts and fears, and I failed. I just tossed out that part about being SERIOUS, I fucked up. And I cannot say how much that pains me now.

In my effort to be honest, I said I was SERIOUS and didn't play games. That is a true statement. I keep everything real. What I should have said was that I am SERIOUS and have every intention of living up to the things I have said, and should opportunities present themselves at some point I would act accordingly. Back up my talk with actions. THAT'S what I meant by being SERIOUS. Yes, I do bare my entire soul for examination. Yes, I said you have to be willing to risk it all to be able to gain anything. Hell, I even said i was ALL IN, and people reading this know what that means.

In spite of having used a million words, I didn't use enough of them in this case, and I FUCKED UP. There, I said it. I try to never say anything that I don't mean with all my heart because you can NEVER take something back, I am now guilty of not saying enough. And I pray I can explain it now. .